Our kids live in a busy world, with things constantly competing for their attention. It can be difficult to know how to equip them for these challenges. One helpful skill is mindfulness: paying attention on purpose in the present moment, non-judgmentally. Research shows that mindfulness helps kids (and adults) by improving attention, emotional regulation, mental health, memory, and learning.
1. Be present
First, we can lead by example. Telling our kids to be present while we continue to scroll mindlessly on our phones isn’t going to cut it; kids are too smart for that. The best lesson is for them to see us being present, not just with them but in our daily lives.
This could include putting limits on our own screen time, or putting phones away when we are home together, particularly during those few hours between school/day-care and bedtimes. This can be challenging at first, but rewarding if we can put in the effort.
2. Help them connect to their bodies
Being mindful isn’t necessarily about sitting quietly cross-legged on a cushion. It’s about being present to what is happening right now, which we experience through our body and our five senses. Young kids are naturally great at being present; just watch a one-year-old eat. But as we get older some reminders can help us reconnect.
Dinner time is a great place to start because eating is such a sensory experience. Asking questions about the taste, smell, textures, can all foster mindfulness of eating. Then we can take this to other parts of life, like going on a walk, playing sport, listening to music, by just asking what they are noticing.
3. Make emotions a normal part of your conversation
Just as we can help kids become aware of their bodies, as parents we can also bring their attention to their emotional world. We can do this by making emotions a normal part of our conversation with them. This can mean moving beyond ‘How was your day?’ to questions that include emotions. What made you excited today? Was there a time where you felt sad or upset? Talking about our own emotions is equally important and helps teach them that emotions are safe to discuss.
4. Allow room for all emotions
We want our kids to be happy and we don’t like it when they experience challenging emotions such as sadness, anger, or disappointment. However, these emotions are unavoidable and important (as well demonstrated in Pixar’s film, Inside Out). When we move too quickly to change our kids’ challenging feelings, we can send a message that those feelings are wrong or not to be discussed. Instead, we want our kids to reach out to us when they need help with those big, strong emotions. We want them to know that we can handle what they are feeling, which teaches them that they too can handle it.
5. Dropping anchor
One powerful mindfulness strategy which uses these ideas is “dropping anchor”:
Step 1: Acknowledge and invite whatever feeling is coming up for your child in the moment. You could say something like, “I notice you are feeling really frustrated right now, it’s ok to feel that way.”
Step 2: We then “drop anchor” by guiding their awareness back to the present through their bodies. You could say, “Let’s take a deep breath, push our feet into the floor, press our fingers together, stretch our arms and back, and realise that this frustration can be there, and we can still move around it, we still have some control.”
Step 3: Help them reconnect with what they are doing, “Now I’m right here with you in this room, let’s try to put your shoes on” (or whatever it is you were doing when the big emotion arrived).
This is a great strategy because it helps kids verbalise and sit with what they are feeling, while letting them know that you are there to help. We might find it even helps us with our own big emotions too.
Dr Joel Hoffman and Marcus Wicken are clinical psychologists and co-owners of Escarpment Clinical Psychology, based in Thirroul. Their practice provides support for adults (16+) throughout the Illawarra area: www.escarpmentpsych.com.au
Mindfulness in nature
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