A mum rushes out of the office at 5pm to collect children from after school care and preschool, runs in the door and starts cooking dinner while also unpacking school bags, tidying away clean laundry and preparing school lunches for the following day. After the kids are in bed, she cleans up from dinner, connects with friends online, calls her ageing parents to check in, and then switches on her laptop to catch-up on the work she left half-finished at the office, before falling exhausted into bed and then struggling to sleep with her head spinning through all the things still to be done on her mental list. Can you relate?

Words Erin Huckle Chuckle Communications 

As a corporate high-flyer turned busy mum of three, Thirroul author Danielle Dobson was determined to uncover the common experiences of women who hold senior positions at work, while also being the lead parent at home. The women who somehow seem to be able to do it all, without falling in a heap. 

In 2017, Danielle started a major piece of research into women in leadership, interviewing more than 50 amazing women (and a few good men), to uncover the similarities between them and the insights they could offer. 

This research went on to become the foundation of Danielle’s new book, Breaking the Gender Code – part memoir, part self-help book and part rallying cry for women, calling for a new approach to the way we view ourselves and our place in the world. 

Recent research has shown that organisations with women at the helm are more likely to do well, so why are we still not seeing this reflected in the number of women holding executive positions in major companies? 

“Women seem to be feeling trapped in a myth, believing they should aspire to have it all, and depleting themselves in the process. They’re so conflicted between working and parenting that they’re overstretched, and feel judgment, shame and guilt as a result,” says Danielle. 

“Sadly, one of the most common themes through the research I conducted was that women who looked like ‘Wonder Woman’ on the outside, really didn’t see themselves as worthy of the title. They find it much easier to see the brilliance in others than in themselves.” 

Danielle’s book explores the hidden gender code which governs our society, training women from a very young age to behave a certain way.

“Young girls are praised for being quiet, polite and caring, and encouraged to take on maternal and mothering roles. Yet in my research I found if you go back far enough you’ll see that caregiving was more fairly shared between men and women, and it shouldn’t always be expected that mothers are going to want to stay at home and be the lead parent,” says Danielle. 

Outdated myths around women as being more suited to parenthood, and the impossible belief that women can somehow ‘have it all’, are putting excessive pressure on women, who feel like they need to be everything to everyone, without releasing the pressure or putting their own needs first. 

In Breaking the Gender Code, Danielle looks at some of the key pressures which are holding women back as part of the gender code – such as the pressure to strive for perfectionism, and the pressure of carrying the family’s mental and emotional load. 

Danielle’s book and her work coaching women and working with organisations to unlock the potential of their female employees, has female empowerment at its heart. But this looks different for everyone, and each person’s journey is different. As the book’s blurb states, it’s all about helping women get what they want, using what they already have. 

With this in mind, Danielle has created an approach she refers to as CIRCLE, focusing on six key elements: core, ‘it is’, release, conversations, leverage and energy. Using this six-part guide, she outlines tools to build self-awareness and self-knowledge, understand what is most important to you, leverage your strengths and build confidence, and find ways to be yourself in all your roles and relationships. 

“We’re all human, and it’s important we share ourselves in an honest way – at work, in our relationships, with our family. By being true to ourselves, we can improve our connections with and empathy for others, creating relationships which are built on honesty and trust,” says Danielle.

Another topic covered in the book is the importance of energy – as it’s energy, not time, which differentiates the people who seem to fit more into their days. 

“We all have the same amount of hours in the day, but how often do you feel people complain they need more time? When we’re focusing on a task which fits with our bigger life purpose, we’ll often feel more energised. Think about it – what are the times when you’ve felt really energised about a task or felt like you were in a state of flow? Energy is more than just the fuel we eat and getting enough sleep, it’s about being driven by something we believe in.” 

TRY THIS: Write down the tasks, activities and habits which give you energy, and also a list of those which drain your energy. Think about why. Can you move things around or somehow remove the energy drains? Can you reframe the things which drain you, or even delegate them to someone else? This is a great way of taking stock of the things which light you up in life, and the things which might be bringing you down. 

Want to find out more? Check out Danielle’s work at www.codeconversations.com.au or pick up a copy of her book, Breaking the Gender Code at Collins Booksellers in Thirroul or Dymocks in Wollongong.